Rowley Associates

“The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none”  - Thomas Carlyle

Bob was upset. He had spent countless hours combing though data and meticulously crafting a report summarizing what the Enterprise department could do to boost sales. His boss didn’t like it. Bob returned to his office, threw the report on the floor, called his business manager in and criticized him for ‘putting him in a difficult situation’ with his boss. Janet was passed over for a promotion. She was angry and upset. On the way home she fantasized about what she’d like to do to her boss when she did get promoted and achieved her career goals.

Do either of these stories sound familiar? They should. We all use variations of these themes. Bob and Janet’s stories are examples of ‘Defense Mechanisms’.  We all use defense mechanisms to avoid, hide or distort the frustration or discomfort caused by painful or difficult experiences. Bob was upset by his boss’s comments so he used the defenses of ‘acting out’ (throwing the report on the ground) and ‘displacement’ (blaming his business manager instead of being angry with his boss or looking at his own culpability in the report being rejected). As she fantasized about being promoted Janet used a defense called sublimation to work through her feelings of hurt and disappointment.

Psychologists have identified 19 different defense mechanisms. Some are categorized as ‘primitive’ others are defined as either ‘neurotic’ or ‘mature’. The more primitive a defense mechanism, for example Bob throwing his report on the floor, the less effective it is as a long term solution to setbacks or disappointment.

Like many behaviors our preferred defense mechanisms are set in childhood and we often use them unconsciously, reacting to a situation without thinking. However, as with most patterns of behavior, the key to building a healthy defense is to first become aware of which strategy you use to cope. Primitive or neurotic defenses may damage your ‘brand’ and impact performance. Here are some descriptions of the more frequently used defense strategies. Read through each one and see which apply to you. Use this feedback to help you identify your pattern and perhaps start to build a healthier, mature defense.

Primitive Defense Mechanisms

Denial – If I forget about it, ignore it or deny it ever happened maybe it will go away. Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact and is regarded as the most primitive of all defenses.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree.

“People say I tend to ignore unpleasant facts as if they don’t exist”

“I fear nothing”

Projection – I project my shortcomings onto someone else. For example in an argument with a colleague I accuse him of never listening when in fact I am the one that doesn’t listen.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree

“People tend to mistreat me”

“I am sure I get a raw deal in life”

Acting out – In my example above Bob acted out by throwing his report on the ground. Acting out usually occurs when an individual cannot think of another way to express his or her thoughts or feelings. Acting out can release pent-up feelings but has the collateral damage of a person becoming labeled as a hothead or aggressive.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree

“I often act impulsively when something is bothering me”

“I get openly aggressive when I feel hurt”

Neurotic Defense Mechanisms

Undoing – Jacquie spoke her mind during a leadership team meeting, pointing out failures of execution and asking Zoey, a peer in sales, some very tough questions. After the meeting she spent the rest of the day ‘undoing’ her comments. She praised the work of Zoey and felt she was mistaken in the errors she identified.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree:

“After I fight for my rights, I tend to apologize for my assertiveness”

“If I have an aggressive thought, I feel the need to do something to compensate for it”

Idealization – In meetings Simon constantly refers to the positive qualities of his boss, even though his boss constantly criticizes Simon and undermines his authority. Simon’s constant exaggeration of his managers’ ability helps him cope with the stress and anxiety caused by his managers’ constant criticisms.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree:

“I always feel that someone I know is like a guardian angel”

“There is someone I know who can do anything and who is absolutely fair and just”

Mature Defense Mechanisms

Humor - Despite a series of tough meetings and no decision being made to hire his firm Mike was able to see the funny side of his day. Forgetting the managing partners name and the ridiculous décor of the reception area caused him a wry smile. Humor as a defense should not be confused with not caring. It’s quite the opposite. The fact that you do care means you need to deploy a defensive strategy. The fact that Bob would like to strangle the smug managing partner was better managed using humor – after all he had to manage the relationship going forward and land the deal.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree:

“I am able to laugh at myself pretty easily”

“I’m usually able to see the funny side of an otherwise painful predicament”

Sublimation – Remember Janet? She was passed over for a promotion and on her drive home she fantasized about what she’d like to do to her boss when she did get promoted and achieved her career goals. Sublimation reframes the negative feelings of a situation into more socially acceptable, positive outcomes. For example, a client, Glenn, was very passive aggressive in his relationships with others. I discussed the cause of his frustration but more importantly we spoke about what activities in his life caused him joy. Michael spoke of his love of woodwork. His ‘homework’ was to ‘retool’ his studio and focus his energy into woodworking. He channeled his anxiety and anger into more creative outlets helping him put distance between his negative emotions.

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree:

“I work out my anxiety doing something constructive and creative”

“Sticking to the task at hand keeps me from feeling depressed and anxious”

Anticipation – is the ability to plan for a tough experience or situation. Sheila had to give an employee a ‘failing grade’. She knew this would be a tough conversation and wanted to make sure her employee heard and understood what she needed to do differently if he wanted to keep his job. She practiced her points with a close colleague, had all the information at her finger-tips and made sure she would stay ‘on-message’

• Questions to consider. How much do you agree or disagree:

“When I have to face a difficult situation I try to imagine what it will be like and plan ways to deal with it”

“If I can predict that I’m going to be upset ahead of time, I can cope better”

Give the cat or your colleagues a break

Using primitive or neurotic defense mechanisms may provide short-term relief but the longer-term impact on your brand, and your performance will be significant. The key to changing the way you protect your self from vulnerability is to be honest about which defense mechanism you use. If you are struggling to identify whether you ‘act out’, ‘project’ or ‘undo’ ask a close colleague to provide some feedback by describing what they see you do when confronted with tough feedback or disappointment.  Once you know how you behave then you can take steps to building a healthier defense.