Rowley Associates

I can’t think of any word, or combination of words that have as much weight, “It’s a boy”, “I love you”, “I do” or “you’re fired” have impact but, ‘you may have cancer’ has mass. What should have been a routine dental exam turned out to be an altogether different experience; a shortness of breath, a feeling of numbness, confusion and dread. For several hours I walked with a word called cancer before a specialist gave me an all-clear, ‘pre-cancerous, excise the tissue keep an eye on it’. I’ll get a third opinion but for now at least, cancer and I have gone our separate ways.

What surprised me about my experience was what happened following the initial diagnosis. Following a first hour of confusion I felt energized and purposeful. Taking stock of my situation was like a bucket of cold water to the face. The weight of a word woke me up from my routine and, strangely, rather than confining my prospects, it provided a chance to look at my opportunities in a different way. If I am really sick, what haven’t I done, what is left undone, what do I need to do differently? As I think back on my day I also realize that the word ‘cancer’ not only has weight, it has sound. It is the loudest alarm clock in the world. No pulling-the-covers over your head and taking a quick snooze, you are dumped out of bed, alive and awake. I’ve heard many people talk about a ‘wake-up-call’ and I got mine. As I reflect on my day I’m struck by how easy it is to go through life asleep, lulled by routine or threat into a kind of walking trance. The philosopher and psychiatrist Gudjieff said that man is asleep and needs to awaken to realize his full potential and be human. As I write this, it’s 4:00 am and I certainly feel awake as I wait for a new day to dawn, yet in the face of so many threats, war, terrorism, the recession and job insecurity, it’s easy for me to crawl back into my bed and go back to sleep. But today I’m going to witness a new day, alive, with purpose, aware that I have things left undone, risks I haven’t taken, dreams unfulfilled. Today I am going to witness a new day full of beauty and promise.